I find myself jumping more often than not these days.
I’ve seen a lot of people live their lives with the sentiment that “one day” they will be happy, “one day” they will do what they really want, one day they will jump. I’m learning that there isn’t a “one day.”
To lead a life that isn’t aligned with what you truly believe is a prison sentence.
There are a lot of things I believe in, but I’ve spent the majority of my life following different paths than the one that felt most true to me. Usually it’s out of comfort, sometimes it’s been out of deceit. Most of the time I just don’t believe I can, or that it’s worth it. More often than not it’s out of fear. Sometimes it’s pure ignorance, or what I’ve been told, but most of the time I make a lot of excuses. I think a lot of us do.
It’s easier to convince myself I’m not capable—especially when the rest of the world is telling me so. It’s easier to believe all of the lies because it’s more comfortable than doing the hard thing. It’s easier to have stability than uncertainty. It’s harder to try than it is to stay the same.
I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore.
Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe I believe there has to be more to life than a dead-end job, relationship, or being.
So, I quit my day job. I started over and jumped into a pool of uncertainty, and I’m still jumping. Life does not stop for anyone, but personally, it has been one never-stopping roller coaster for most of my life. I’m learning to enjoy the ride.
I have a lot of things to say.
I have a whole lot of story that’s been crammed into a short amount of years, and I’m only beginning to unravel it all. I understand that I won’t always have the words to put some concepts that are far too big into something malleable, and that’s okay. Some concepts can’t be condensed to a blog post anyhow; they are still part of a story that needs to be told.
Sometimes my story will be lighthearted and show how much of an asshole I really am, or how insecure I really am, or how hilarious I really am (sometimes.) Sometimes it will be less lighthearted, and hit things that are hard to talk about. I’ll get angry, and say things I probably don’t mean, but I think that’s part of telling the story. It’s not just for others, it’s for me, and I don’t believe in censorship.
Sometimes my words will come out in a jumbled mess, and sometimes they’ll make sense, or they won’t, but I’m going to keep writing.
I’m jumping again.